


Always Bee There for Me

by angelofthequeers



Series: Beelicious [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Flower Shop, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, BAMF Castiel (Supernatural), BAMF Jessica Moore, Backstory, Child Neglect, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dean Has Self-Worth Issues, Depressed Dean, Flowers, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Just a family get together, Language of Flowers, M/M, Mary Winchester's A+ Parenting, Not Dean though, Romance, Sam Has Anxiety, Still not much fluff srry, Thanksgiving, Though not really cause none of them actually celebrate it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-29 21:12:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11449131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelofthequeers/pseuds/angelofthequeers
Summary: Dean and Cas have been invited to spend Thanksgiving in Palo Alto, with Sam and Jess. There's just one small problem.Jess has no idea of Sam and Dean's absolutely wonderful childhood...and has invited John along too.





	Always Bee There for Me

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own SPN.
> 
> So…time for a rare Dean’s POV, because he’s seemed like the perfect guy so far but he’s really got a tonne of issues that also need to be explored!
> 
> I also don’t believe that John was a villain in canon. Mary was so much worse in my eyes; at least John did everything he could to protect them and didn’t go gallivanting with Sam’s torturers. But in this universe, he doesn’t have hunting to justify his choices with. So yeah, he’s a dick here.

“So, uh…”

Cas looks up at Dean from where he’s curled tightly into Dean’s side. His beautiful blue eyes crinkle slightly and Dean suddenly wants to slap himself for what he’s about to ask.

“What’s wrong, Dean?”

“Uh…” Dean swallows, trying to find the courage to keep going because this really isn’t a small matter. “You – do you have any plans for Thanksgiving?”

Heat bubbles in his stomach when Cas’ face clears and he rests his head on Dean’s shoulder, clearly in an overly affectionate mood tonight. Not that Dean’s complaining, really. Any chance to touch Cas or have Cas touch him is one that he’ll embrace with open arms, especially when his depression is carving a particularly large hole in his insides like it is tonight.

“Not really. Balthazar doesn’t believe in ‘celebrating a glorified genocide’ and I agree, so we just take advantage of the day off to make a small dinner and thank each other for our friendship. We don’t throw a celebration over a massive feast and ‘remember the pilgrims’. Why? Do you want me to spend it with you?”

“Sorta…” Dean clenches his fists, noting idly that his palms are sweaty as hell. Cas can clearly sense that something’s wrong because he leans forward to grab the remote and turns the TV off before fixing Dean with his intense blue gaze.

“Dean? What is it?” he says, taking Dean’s hands. Dean lets out an explosive exhale.

“I’m drivin’ to Palo Alto to spend it with Sam,” he mumbles. “I leave next week. Sam and I don’t really celebrate it either but…thought I’d use the excuse to catch up with him. Haven’t seen him in months.”

“And you’d like me to come? Of course, Dean. I can afford to close Beelicious for a few days.”

“That’s…not all.” Dean squeezes Cas’ hand, nearly smiling when Cas squeezes back and they start their back and forth squeezing. “I – well…Dad’s gonna be there. Promised he’d cleaned himself up and wanted to try again. Sam’s wary but he said Dad could come, mostly ‘cause Jess pushed for it. I don’t think he’s actually told her about him, otherwise she’d want him to stay at least two states away.”

“Ah. I take it your relationship with him is problematic?”

“That’s one word for it,” Dean says darkly. He pauses for a moment, then sighs. “Look, I should tell you the basics of my fucked-up life at least.”

“Dean, you don’t have to –”

“Like you didn’t have to tell me about your exes? Cas, you think – you think I’m amazing and perfect and some sorta god but – I’ve got _issues_. Mommy issues, daddy issues…you name ‘em. And if you’re gonna come to this with me – which I really didn’t want, but Sam knows I’ve got a boyfriend and he insisted – then you gotta be prepared.”

Cas stares at him for a moment, squinting slightly with his head cocked to the side. Then he pulls away from Dean’s side – Dean mourns the loss of heat and touch – but still remains right next to him, only far enough that he can meet Dean’s eyes without straining his neck.

“Tell me, then.”

Dean closes his eyes, collecting his thoughts, while the hollowness inside him saps his energy before he can really gather it. Cas’ reassuring hand squeeze is what cajoles him into action.

“Everyone thought Mom and Dad were soulmates. They were so sweet, so in love…but they had their issues, man. Dad had anger issues, so he was constantly yelling at Mom and losing his temper, and I always had to be there to pick up the pieces when he left for a few days. I had to comfort Mom, and I had to help with Sammy when he was born. I was…three or four when it started, I think.”

Cas’ eyes widen. Dean continues before Cas can say anything.

“I mean, part of it was justified. Mom was always sneaking off when she thought she could get away with it. All I know is that she was never a cheater – she _hated_ cheating with a passion, so she wasn’t sneaking off to sleep with other guys. But the secrets got to Dad. He blew up every time he caught Mom coming home – even accused her of fucking other guys half the time – and they just started fighting non-stop. I thought Sammy would’ve helped, y’know? New kid, new responsibility, and hey, they gotta love each other if they had another kid, right?”

Dean laughs darkly.

“It happened six months after Sammy was born. I guess they finally just…had enough. Dad got home from work and he was _so_ angry that day. I don’t remember why. All I know is that they had the worst fight they’d ever had. And then that night…Mom just disappeared. Never came back.”

“Oh, Dean.” Cas squeezes his hand and leans up to kiss him softly. Dean shrugs.

“Just how it is, Cas. So Dad raised me and Sam. Well…he sorta raised me. I raised Sam. We moved from place to place – I don’t think we stayed anywhere for longer than a month until we ended up here when I was eight. That’s when we met Bobby and Ellen and Jo.”

“You said that Bobby was like your father,” Cas says carefully.

“Yep. He was there whenever Dad was drinking himself into a ditch ‘cause he couldn’t cope with Mom disappearing. We didn’t even know if she was _alive_ , Cas. Maybe if he knew she was alive, he might not have been that bad?”

“It doesn’t matter. He had no right to treat you like that.”

Dean shrugs.

“Bobby managed to convince Dad to stick around here. Got through to him in a rare decent moment and said that staying would help me and Sam settle. I guess Dad still cared about us – I mean, he clearly did, or he would’ve pawned us off years ago. So we stayed here, but Dad still drank himself blind and expected me to take care of Sammy. I mean, I didn’t hate it, Cas. I loved that kid with everything I had. I still _do_. I didn’t mind providing for him and making sure that he had food in his belly and clothes on his back. And I got good at forging Dad’s signature so that Sammy could go on his school trips or do whatever he needed permission notes for.”

He jumps when Cas cups his face with one hand, eyes crinkled tenderly. But Cas doesn’t say anything, so Dean gratefully continues. At this point, he just needs to get this all out. He doesn’t have the mental energy to start again once he stops.

“That was our life for the next ten years. I struggled through high school and I was _so_ close to dropping out but…I didn’t. Sam, Bobby, Ellen, Jo, Charlie, Benny…they kept me going. Then I graduated and met Lisa a few months later and we started dating. But then…”

Dean sighs and slumps.

“Just after I turned nineteen, Mom came back. One day everything was fine, then she was there. She said she’d gone off to ‘find herself’ –” Dean snorts darkly, “– and she tracked us down and said that she didn’t love John anymore but still wanted to be involved with me and Sam. Oh, we thought it was _great_ at the time. Mom’s back! We could get to know her!”

“But it wasn’t that great?” Cas says carefully.

“Nope. She expected to just slide into our lives and have everything be like it was when I was four. She wasn’t ready to face the fact that I was a damn full-grown adult with issues and Sammy was a genius sophomore who looked up to me – for _whatever_ reason – and not her or Dad. So she started taking it out on Dad. Yelled that he’d fucked us up, that she couldn’t believe how he raised us, that he should’ve been a parent rather than leaving me to take care of Sam. Around that point, Sammy started getting anxiety attacks.”

Cas actually looks down, no doubt empathising with Sam on that point.

“I invested myself in takin’ care of Sam. Blew off work, so I lost my job – just lucky that Bobby and Ellen were there to help, ‘cause Dad sure wasn’t supporting us beyond paying rent and buying his booze. But Sam’s anxiety started to get real bad. He’s a sensitive kid, Cas! He shouldn’t’ve had to deal with that!”

“Neither should you,” Cas says firmly. “Whatever issues your parents had with each other, they should _not_ have allowed them to impact you in this way.”

With a shrug, Dean continues his tale, though he’s still careful to leave out the details of how John had treated him. Cas needs to know the circumstances, but he doesn’t need to know the specifics.

“Sam got so close to doing drugs just to cope. Caught him with this chick called Ruby, about to shove a needle in his arm, and I lost it. Dragged him away, told him that drugs weren’t the answer and that there were better ways, and he threw my drinking in my face ‘cause I was drinking pretty badly back then to cope, even though I wasn’t twenty one yet. Then he ran away. Didn’t find him till the next day – he’d gone to stay with Bobby and Ellen and Jo. That’s when we sat down and all had a talk – me, him, Bobby, Ellen. They said that this wasn’t workin’ for me and Sam and said that we should stay with them, to get away from Mom and Dad. And I was an adult, so I _could_ take care of Sam. Ellen let me work some shifts at the Roadhouse and Bobby gave me a job at the shop so I could prove that I had an income and could support Sam. I also managed to quit drinking ‘cause there was no fuckin’ way I was gonna turn out like Dad when I had Sam’s life in my hands.”

“And how did your parents react?” Cas says carefully. Dean snorts darkly again.

“How do you think? They fought worse than ever, then Mom just left again. Said that we weren’t the family she knew – never mind that she _left_ us and _she_ was the reason why we were the way we were! But Dad still stuck around. I think he tried to invest himself in our lives again but…he was too fucked-up and refused to admit it. And so was I. Lisa broke up with me about a month after that ‘cause she couldn’t handle my issues.”

He melts into Cas’ embrace when the man wraps his arms around Dean.

“The rest’s history. Dad stuck around till Sam got accepted to college, threw a huge bitch fit, then left when Sam told him to fuck off. And then I was alone. So I moved outta Bobby and Ellen’s place and got my own, but I kept my job at the shop. And…that’s it. Broke up with Cassie, went out with Crowley four years later for a few months, broke up with him…then met you.”

He’s met with silence after his tale.

“Dean,” Cas says quietly. “Look at me.”

As soon as he turns his head, Cas captures his lips in a deep, sweet kiss. Dean whimpers and digs his fingers into Cas’ waist, clinging tightly like Cas is some sort of lifeline.

“That’s not all, is it?” Cas says when they break apart for air. Dean just sets his jaw. Cas doesn’t need to know. He doesn’t. “But that’s okay. I know you’ll tell me when you’re ready, just like I did with my exes.”

His breaths shuddering, Dean wraps his arms around Cas and squeezes.

“You’re fuckin’ amazing, Cas,” he says, burying his face in Cas’ dark hair and inhaling the scent of honey. Cas just strokes his back.

“No. I’m just being a good boyfriend. And of course I’ll come to Palo Alto with you. I’d love to meet your brother.”

* * *

 

A week later, Cas closes Beelicious with a promise that Balthazar will tend to the flowers while he’s gone, and then they get in the car and start driving. It takes them a day and a half to reach Palo Alto, so they’re exhausted when they finally pull into Sam and Jess’ driveway at around midday, and Dean ‘subtly’ leans on Cas as they head for the front door. When they ring the doorbell, they’re greeted by a beautiful woman with curly blonde hair, who beams at them,

“Dean!” Jess swoops forward and hugs him, then does the same to a surprised-looking Cas. “And Cas! Sam’s been waiting all day for you.”

Dean whistles as he and Cas go inside. The house isn’t overly expensive but it definitely reeks of ‘I’m not poor’, and Dean can’t help the small sliver of jealousy that simmers in his gut. But he squashes that down. Sam fucking deserves all of this. That kid’s worked so hard to get where he is and Dean can’t be prouder.

“Dean!”

Dean’s vision is suddenly obscured by his moose of a brother, and it’s all he can do to not fall over as he hugs Sam back.

“Sammy…need t’breathe…” he chokes. Thankfully, Sam takes the hint and releases him, and Dean can’t help the wide smile that spreads across his face when he takes in the sight of his baby brother. Sam’s still as tall as ever, his hair so long that it sits around his face in a shaggy mess, and he looks so… _happy_.

“You look…different, Dean,” Sam says, beaming.

“Glad you noticed what I did to my hair,” Dean smirks. Sam rolls his eyes.

“No, not your physical appearance. You just…Dean, I haven’t seen that sparkle in your eye in _years_. You look like you stopped carrying the weight of the world!”

“Wow, you should be a poet, Sammy,” Dean says sarcastically. But his eyes flick over to Cas, who’s engaged in a conversation with Jess about something or other, and the fond smile that creeps onto his face fills his whole body with warm fuzzies.

“It’s Cas, isn’t it?” Of course Sam noticed. Stupid baby brothers, noticing everything. “I swear, every time you tell me about him over the phone, you sound like the happiest man alive.”

“Yeah, okay, you can just stop right about now.”

Thankfully, Sam’s silenced by Jess dragging Cas over, an overjoyed smile on her face.

“He’ll do it!” she exclaims. “I told you, Sam, didn’t I?”

“Wait, what?” Dean says. Jess turns her smile onto him.

“Cas is going to arrange our wedding flowers!”

Dean nearly chokes on his own saliva.

“ _Wedding_?” he rasps, tears streaming from his eyes. “Why the fuck am I the last one to hear about my brother getting married?”

“We haven’t actually told very many people,” Sam says with a shrug, though he’s giving Jess that same fond smile that Dean often catches Cas looking at him with. The thought freezes him in his tracks. “Mostly just our fellow college friends when they noticed the ring. We’re not actually sure when we’re going to get married. Maybe after law school, maybe sometime next year. I just had to ask her after she surprised me with flowers and dinner one night.”

“Flowers that I got from _him_ ,” Jess adds, pointing at Cas. The bashful look on Cas’ face is absolutely adorable.

“And I wanted to tell you now, in person. I didn’t think it was something that a phone call would do justice. Especially ‘cause I want you to be my best man.”

And with that, Dean’s brain promptly crashes.

“Dean?” Sam waves a hand in front of Dean’s face. Dean just continues to stare blankly. Not only is his brother getting married, but _he’s_ been asked to be the best man. Sam _wants_ his brother’s sorry ass at one of the most important days of his life!

“M-Me?” Dean finally croaks. Sam rolls his eyes to high heaven.

“Well, who else would I ask? You’re my brother, Dean. And after all the stuff you’ve done for me since I was a baby, I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather have at my side.”

“After everything Sam’s told me about you, I would’ve kicked his ass if he hadn’t asked you,” Jess cuts in, the smile she shoots at Dean indicating that she very much approves of her fiancé’s choice of best man. “And of course Cas is coming!”

“Yeah, I was gonna bring him with me,” Dean says. His voice is still a little off but he’s largely recovered from the near-death experience of being asked to be his brother’s best man. Jess sighs loudly.

“No, not as a plus one. He’s getting a formal invitation. I swear, after everything you’ve told Sam about him, I’ll be surprised if he’s not the one for you.”

“You’ve told Sam about me?” Cas says in surprise. Dean takes his hand and squeezes.

“Course. You’re my boyfriend, so why wouldn’t I?”

“I think ‘telling me about him’ is the understatement of the century,” Sam mumbles. Jess slaps him on the arm.

“I’m going to go check on dinner,” she says. “Don’t have too much fun without me!”

As she disappears into the kitchen, the men move their conversation to the living room. Dean’s envy of Sam grows when he sinks down on the most goddamn comfortable couch he’s ever sat on in his entire life. Naturally, Cas sits so close to Dean that he may as well be on Dean’s lap, and he snuggles into Dean’s side as per usual.

“What?” Dean snaps at Sam, who’s staring at them. Sam raises his hands in surrender.

“Nothing. I’ve just never seen you so relaxed. You’re usually always so tense and on guard, like you’re about to bolt out of the room.”

Dean tries to make a snide retort but Cas stops him in his tracks with a gentle kiss, cupping his face with one hand.

“What’s cooking?” is what he says dazedly instead. Sam snorts loudly but doesn’t comment on the display of affection in front of him.

“Just something simple. Jess makes the _best_ chicken pasta bake. None of that massive turkey spread.”

“Dean told me that you don’t celebrate Thanksgiving,” Cas says, squeezing Dean’s hand. Dean squeezes back.

“No, not really.” Sam shrugs. “He’s told you about how we grew up, right?”

“He told me about how your mother left and your father preferred to drink rather than raise you.”

“Yeah. Right.” Sam shifts nervously. “I haven’t even been able to pluck up the courage to tell Jess about him, otherwise he wouldn’t be coming tonight. She got in contact before I could say no. But my point is, he really only made sure that we had food, then spent the rest on alcohol. So we never really had ‘holidays’. Only Thanksgiving I had after I was three years old and Dad was actually trying was at a friend’s house when I was eleven.”

“Point is, we never really saw the point in celebrating,” Dean cuts in before Sam can reveal too much about their shitty childhood. “We were thankful for each other every day. Why get pissy about not being able to afford a turkey to show that?”

“Balthazar and I don’t celebrate it either,” Cas says to Sam. “Balthazar is my best friend and he is the one who opened my eyes to the true history of Thanksgiving. So we take advantage of the day off to stay at his apartment and just hang out together.”

“And Jess has some Native American heritage,” Sam says with a small smile at Cas. “She doesn’t know what tribe her ancestors are from, but she refuses to celebrate the whole ‘pilgrims and Native Americans were best friends and shared everything’ Thanksgiving and dishonour her heritage like that.”

“ _Jess_?” Dean says in disbelief.

 “Don’t worry, everyone reacts like you,” Jess’ voice says from the doorway. The owner of said voice crosses over to Sam’s armchair and plops herself right down on Sam’s lap. “I mean, blonde hair and blue eyes? Half the time, people think I’m lying. Anyway, dinner will be another twenty minutes or so. How about we talk about Sam being accepted into law school?”

Of course, that’s when the knock on the front door comes. Sam and Dean immediately tense, but Jess doesn’t seem to notice as she says, “That’ll be John,” and goes to answer.

“It’ll be okay,” Cas says soothingly, rubbing the back of Dean’s hand with his thumb. Dean swallows and, in possibly the hardest thing he’s ever done, shifts far enough away from Cas that they can be mistaken for friends.

“Dad…he’s never been okay with…this,” Dean mumbles, his cheeks flaming as he stares at the ground. “I don’t want him to hurt you just because you’re my boyfriend.”

Still holding his hand, Cas just squeezes.

“I’m not afraid of being hurt, Dean. But I understand how difficult this is for you, so I’ll pretend that I’m not your boyfriend tonight.”

But Dean can still see the hurt in Cas’ eyes – no matter how good an actor Cas is and how much of an understanding smile he pastes on his face – and a familiar numbness starts to spread through his body. He has to stiffen his shoulders so that he’s not crushed by a sudden invisible weight, and he prays that Cas hasn’t noticed his sudden change in posture.

And then his world narrows down to the man standing awkwardly in the living room doorway, weary dark eyes fixed on Sam and Dean.

“Boys,” is all he says. Dean exchanges a look with Sam.

“Dad,” he says, wincing when his voice cracks. Sam doesn’t say anything at all. Jess, meanwhile, is looking between Sam and John with a frown, and Dean wonders how long it’ll take for her to figure out that they’re not exactly father and son of the century.

“I’m glad your girlfriend called me,” John says, looking right at Sam. “I haven’t seen you in years.”

“We both know why.” Sam’s voice is hard, and Dean can tell from just one look that his brother’s struggling to keep it together. His instincts immediately yell at him to remove this threat to Sam but he can’t do so without causing a scene, so he bites his lip until he can taste the metallic tang of blood on his tongue.

“Did I do something wrong by inviting him?” Jess says worriedly. “I just thought that it might be nice to meet your father –”

“You did the right thing,” John interrupts. His eyes then zero in on Cas, who’s sitting a tad too close to Dean to be platonic. “Who’s this?”

“My name is Castiel.” Cas rises from the couch in one smooth motion and offers his hand. “I’m Dean’s bo – best friend.”

 Dean winces at the near-slip, praying that John hadn’t picked up on it. The man stares at Cas’ hand for a moment before he finally shakes it, and Dean can see the pissing contest going on from two feet away.

When they finally release each other’s hands, the most awkward silence Dean has ever been a part of descends on the room. Jess breaks it by clapping her hands.

“So!” she says in a falsely bright voice. “Who wants dinner?”

They migrate to the dining room, while Jess goes to serve dinner. Dean follows after she shoots him a significant look and asks him to set the table. When he turns around after grabbing a handful of knives and forks, he’s stunned to see Jess standing by the stove with her face in her hands.

“I’ve ruined everything,” she says miserably. “I shouldn’t have contacted John.”

“Hey.” Unsure of how to react, Dean puts an arm around Jess and awkwardly pats her on the back. “You didn’t know. I don’t blame you and neither does Sammy.”

Jess sniffles.

“I need a minute,” she says thickly. “Just tell them that – I don’t know, it still needs a few more minutes before it’s ready.”

Dean nods. When he returns to the dining room with the cutlery, he’s immediately suffocated by the thick tension in the air as Sam and John stare at each other in stiff silence, while Cas watches John out of the corner of his eye. All three immediately turn their attention to Dean when he appears in the doorway.

“Uh – just needs a few more minutes,” he says, clearing his throat. He gets nods in return and so he sets cutlery down in front of Sam, Cas, John, and the other two places, quickly calculating his next move. There are five seats and the only two left are either between John and Sam or next to Cas. As much as he aches to sit next to Cas, he can’t throw Jess under the bus like that, so it’s with a heavy heart that he sits down between John and Sam, directly opposite Cas.

“Glad one of my boys wants to sit with their old man,” John says, clapping Dean on the shoulder. It takes all Dean’s got not to stiffen and just nod instead, and Cas shoots him a sympathetic look from John’s other side.

Nothing else is said until Jess brings in the pasta bake, along with a steaming dish of vegetables and a bowl of smooth mashed potato. Once everyone has served themselves, Sam clears his throat.

“I know we don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, so we won’t say grace or anything, but I still want to say how grateful I am to have my family here,” he says.

“Yeah.” Jess takes Sam’s hand and smiles. “I’m so thankful to be able to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“I’m truly grateful to have Dean,” Cas puts in. “I don’t think he realises how much he’s truly helped me.”

Dean looks away, cheeks flushing. He catches sight of John shooting Cas a suspicious look and clenches his fist, until Sam shoots him a warning look.

“Right.” Dean clears his throat. “I’m grateful to have the best little brother in the world, and that he’s found someone he’s happy with. And I’m grateful that I met Cas, ‘cause I dunno what I’d have done without him being in my life.”

Silence falls on the table.

“I’m grateful to be here,” is all John says. Dean can’t really be mad at him for that, though; the guy probably doesn’t have a lot to really be grateful for lately.

“Right,” Jess says. “I hope you all enjoy.”

At that, they all start to dig in to their delicious meal, until Dean notices that Jess isn’t eating but has her head bowed.

“What’s she doing?” he hisses to Sam.

“Just leave her. She’s remembering her ancestors.”

At least a minute passes before Jess looks up again and starts to eat with the rest of them. Like everything else since John’s arrival, the dinner is stiff and quiet, punctuated only by the sounds of chewing and cutlery clattering against plates.

“This pasta bake is fuckin’ awesome,” Dean finally says to break the silence. “You gotta give me the recipe.”

“Sorry, babe, but Dean’s cooking can’t be matched,” Sam says as Jess beams brilliantly. “If you teach him how to make this, he’ll leave you in the dust.”

“Well, it’s nice to meet a man who knows how to cook,” Jess says with a smirk. “Sammy here can’t even cook toast without burning it.”

“Hey!” Sam grumbles as Dean snorts, though he’s smiling.

“Dean’s cooking is to die for,” Cas agrees. “He cooks for me so much that I can’t remember the last time I’ve tasted my own cooking.”

“Guess you’re with my son a lot, then,” John says. Cas freezes and shoots Dean an apologetic look.

“Course he is, Dad,” Dean says, rubbing Cas’ leg under the table with his foot reassuringly. “He’s my best friend. I’ve been catching him up on _Star Wars_ and then we’re gonna start _Star Trek_.”

“You – is it possible to not have seen _Star Wars_?” Sam splutters.

“Of course it is,” Jess says. “I don’t even like it.”

Sam looks at her like she’s grown an extra head.

“You can quit pretending,” John says, cutting across them all. “I’m not blind.”

Dean stiffens.

“Pretending what?” he says carefully. John rolls his eyes and gestures between him and Cas.

“That you two aren’t fucking. I might be many things but I’m not an idiot.”

“Do you have a problem with me being Dean’s boyfriend?” Cas says neutrally as Dean gulps.

“Well, I certainly don’t wanna think about my son taking a dick up the ass like some fairy. I raised him to be a man.”

Heat floods Dean’s cheeks as he looks down in humiliation. Of _course_ John has to ruin everything good in his life. Why had he been holding his breath for the man to change?

“If it truly matters that much to you, Dean and I have not had sex.” Cas’ voice is still neutral but Dean can hear the undertone of fury in it. “Yet. And when we do, it will be none of your business.”

John whirls on Cas, eyes blazing.

“Who the hell are you to talk to me like that?” he demands.

“Stop it!” Sam shouts. Opposite him, Jess looks like she’s struggling to hold back tears. “You can’t just waltz back into our lives and start ordering us around again!”

“Well, you boys clearly need the guidance!” John snarls. “One son’s a fucking fairy and the other ran off on his family!”

“Guidance?” Dean finally snaps. “ _Guidance_? We don’t _need_ guidance, Dad! Where the hell were you when we _did_ need you? You were drinking yourself into an early grave because Mom left, instead of being a damn father like you should have!”

John slams a hand on the table and rises out of his seat. Christ, Dean can’t ever remember John being this angry before, but he can’t back down. He’s _not_ going to let John dominate him this time.

“I gave you a roof over your head,” John seethes. “I put food on the table and clothes on your back.”

“Yeah, until I was old enough to get a job! Then all you cared about was buying more booze!”

Dean’s shaking so hard right now but he can’t stop. He can’t. This is shit he’s been repressing for _years_. Cas takes his hand in support but this action only seems to act like a red cape in John’s eyes.

“You have no idea, boy!” John bellows. “You have no idea how it feels to lose the love of your life and then have to care for two sons because she clearly doesn’t give enough of a fuck to help care for _her_ kids!”

Dean reels back, John’s words nearly a physical slap to the face. Cas squeezes his hand harder.

“You know, if I had kids that needed me, I’d fucking be there for them, whether Cas was there or not! That’s what you sign up for when you have kids, _Dad_! You should’ve been there for us, with or without Mom!”

Their argument screeches to a halt when Sam’s chair skids back and he jumps out of his seat. His skin’s chalk white, his breathing is shallow, and as soon as Dean realises what’s going on, he’s by Sam’s side in an instant.

“Hey,” he says urgently, grabbing Sam’s hands and squeezing. “Hey. Sam. C’mon, buddy, breathe.”

Sam draws in a shuddering breath, wide hazel eyes fixed on Dean’s face. Dean squeezes his hands.

“That’s it,” he says encouragingly. “Breathe with me, Sammy. You can do it. In and out, remember?”

Dean dimly registers a furious Jess haranguing John and ordering him to leave, but he doesn’t care about that right now. All he cares about is calming his baby brother down from this anxiety attack, and his instructions seem to be working because Sam’s breathing is starting to even out.

Then Jess is by his side and taking Sam’s hands from him, further soothing Sam with small clucks of her tongue. Dean bristles at this threat.

“I’ll take him up to bed,” Jess says softly. “You need Cas right now, Dean. Trust me.”

Dean deflates at that. His eyes remain fixed on Sam until the man disappears with Jess, and only then does he allow Cas to guide him down the hall to the guest room. The world around him is slightly surreal, like he’s just a passenger in his body observing, and now that the anger is draining out of him, he’s mildly surprised at just how… _empty_ he feels.

“It’s okay, Dean,” Cas says as they sit down on the bed and he pulls Dean into a tight hug. “It’s okay.”

Finally, Dean allows himself to break in Cas’ arms.

“Cas,” he rasps as tears stream down his face. “I’ve – I’ve got depression, Cas. Saw someone when I was twenty. Had it for ages because of – because of _everything_. I’m so fucking fucked up.”

Cas just holds him and allows him to spill everything about John that he hadn’t said before. He doesn’t utter a single word.

* * *

 

The next morning is subdued, though by lunchtime Jess and Cas have started to succeed in lifting their partners’ moods. By the time Dean and Cas leave a few days later, spirits are high again and they pull out of Sam and Jess’ driveway with a promise secured from the engaged couple that they’ll visit for Christmas.

But the trip home is unusually quiet. Dean’s utterly drained, without the mental energy to string two words together, and he’s that exhausted that he even lets Cas drive Baby during the last leg of the journey. The _only_ other person he’s _ever_ let drive Baby is Sam, so it’s a mark of how fucking much he trusts Cas that he hands the keys over without question when Cas holds out his palm.

He drifts off about an hour from home. When he opens his eyes again, he’s momentarily disoriented and blinks rapidly as he regains awareness, and he’s puzzled to see them parked outside Beelicious. Is Cas really that worried about his flowers, despite Balthazar’s promise to tend to them while Cas was in Palo Alto?

But when Cas slips out of the store, locking the door behind him, and returns to Baby with a bunch of indigo flowers in hand, Dean’s stomach flip flops violently.

“Couldn’t leave your babies for one more night, could ya?” Dean says teasingly. Cas just smiles at him.

“I had to get these for you. They couldn’t wait.”

He holds the bunch out for Dean to take.

“What are they?” Dean says, frowning down at them.

“Achimenes. They mean ‘such worth is rare’.”

Dean looks sharply at Cas.

“Cas –”

“You have no idea how extraordinary you are, Dean. Everything you’ve done for Sam – everything you’ve done for _me_ – and you still don’t see your worth? You are such an _amazing_ man, Dean Winchester.”

Dean throws his arms around Cas, squeezing the man as tightly as he can. For the second time in days, he allows himself to cry.


End file.
